Hey all. I’ve been working incredibly hard to polish up my “It’s Always Sunny” Spec Script titled “The Gang Attempts to Bang.” Here is a preview of the Cold Open below and if you like please check out the entire script here TheGangAttemptsToBang. I would great appreciate all constructive comments good or bad. Thank you!
COLD OPEN
TITLE: 1:00 P.M.
TITLE: On a Saturday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES WE HEAR
CHARLIE (V.O.)
How bout’ if I paint my penis black? You think that will make it look any bigger?
MAC (V.O.)
I think it could add the illusion of a little extra girth.
FADE IN:
EXT. STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA
Mac and Charlie walk towards Paddy’s Pub looking especially disheveled even by their low standards.
CHARLIE
It’s just that my penis isn’t living up to its full potential.
MAC
Dude, that’s because your penis reached it’s full potential at birth. You got to face the fact that you have a baby-dick.
CHARLIE
Oh, c’mon. I don’t have a baby dick.
MAC
We all know you have a micro-dick It’s no big …
Mac and Charlie stop walking as they notice something in the distance.
CHARLIE
What the hell is this?
Mac and Charlie begin to run up to Paddy’s Pub where they see three teenage THUGS spray painting the wall outside the bar.
MAC
Are those kids spray painting our bar?
They run over to the Thugs.
MAC (CONT’D)
Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
THUG 1
What does it look like we’re doing?
CHARLIE
It looks like you are spray painting enormous male genitalia all over our bar.
MAC
(inspects the wall)
Yep, they’re dicks alright.
Thug 2 grabs Mac and pushes him against the wall.
THUG 2
Why don’t you and your raggedy-ass friend mind your business.
Charlie looks up and down the spray painted wall.
CHARLIE
Oh c’mon! A little originality wouldn’t hurt. Can’t you at least draw a rainbow around some of this penis art? It looks ridiculous.
The Thugs crowd around Charlie and menacingly stare at him. Mac grabs Charlie and leads him inside the bar.
MAC
This isn’t over!
INT. PADDY’S PUB – DAY
Dennis, head tilted back, is holding a baggie of ice on a fresh shiner. Dee works behind the bar.
MAC
What the hell happened to you?
DENNIS
They jumped me.
MAC
The penis painters?
Dennis nods his head.
MAC (CONT’D)
I’ve had it with these assholes! It’s the third time this month they vandalized this place.
CHARLIE
Yea, I’m sick and tired of trying to turn those spray painted dicks into happy faces.
DEE
Well I’m sick of having to look at the penis-nosed happy faces every time I walk into this dump.
DENNIS
You know, maybe we should start a gang of our own and show those street tuffs who really runs this block.
MAC
I’ve always wanted to gangbang.
DEE
Me too. I just never imagined my first gangbang would be with two losers and my brother.
MAC
Well, this is our chance to bang, and bang hard.
CHARLIE
Hmmm … our own gang.
MAC
Yes, our own gang.
DENNIS
It’s settled. We’re banging.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
TITLE: IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
TITLE: THE GANG ATTEMPTS TO BANG







