Hola mis amigos (loosely translated to “Hello My Friends” in Spanish). My writing partner and I have just finished a hilarious spec script for Modern Family entitled “Phil Phest”. I know, hilarious doesn’t do it justice, but I am too lazy to go to thesaurus.com to find a more betterish word. What is Phil Phest, you ask? You will have to read to find out, but here is a brief synopsis below to wet your pickle (or your vagina, for the fairer sex). Read Phil Phest here: Modern Family; “Phil Phest” (give it like 8 seconds to load — I have dial up)

In the shockingly funny episode “Phil Phest”, Cameron and Jay prepare to participate in the annual “Man-Boy” football game to honor legendary high school football coach Bruce Manboy. Left out of the action, Phil carries on the tradition of Phil Phest — a Dunphy family competition involving American Gladiator style games, stair luging and the dreaded blindfolded boulder toss. Claire and Gloria find themselves in a competition of their own to see who still has the sex appeal to win over the the adolescent boys participating in the football game. It is an episode filled with humor, love, tears, a reference to a little known ordinance concerning the capture of wild birds and Cameron doing the “Dougie” – as in ‘teach me how to dougie, teach, teach me how to dougie”.

Please, please read the script. Right now preferable. If you don’t like it, please give me your name and address and I will send you a venomous snake from the Everglades.

If you do like it, please leave very nice comments, pass it along to an agent or some other writers you know, and hook a brother up. If you choose the latter option, I will send you a bag of kiwis. They will be delicious, I promise.

If you want to contact me concerning this script, please email me at stugold@ufl.edu — if you don’t want to contact me, just disregard this last part.

Cheers,
Stu

(p.s. don’t steal my script. i will not send you the kiwis. plus it is registered with the LOC/WGA/NAACP.

Even with the show losing some of its shine from the earlier seasons, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is still going strong as it wraps up its seventh season. With the show now on hiatus until the beginning of the 8th season, I am here to give you a recommendation to fill your “Sunny” void while you wait for Charlie to come back and finally smoke those hornets out of the box. I am assuming you are already on board with “The League”, so the show I am hawking here is Comedy Central’s “Workaholics”. If you know a little bit about man-gina’s, love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and occasionally take to the bottle when you get bored (or even when you are not, because, you know, you are deadbeat alcoholic) then you are the perfect candidate for this show.

“Workaholics”, a show about 3, twenty-something college grads who, you guessed it, love to drink (a lot), smoke (a lot) and come up with any scheme possible to avoid the dreaded reality that a life of corporate slavery awaits them. You all know the feeling, you have been there yourselves: You just graduated college and been told by some big-name commencement speaker that “The World Awaits You” only to find yourself six months later under a fluorescent lightbulb working 11-hour days for some guy named Hank who is the CEO’s blacksheep son. Enter the 3 main character Anders, Adam and Blake (the long, scraggly-haired dude) who have recently graduated college and are living in a house together during their painful transition to adulthood. They hold dead-end jobs at a faceless telemarketing company and share 3 adjoining cubicles that allow them to partake in their unholy schemes.

Much in the way of “Sunny” Anders, Adam and Blake don’t really care very much about the carnage they leave behind when carrying out their ill-conceived plans. In Season 1 “To Friend A Predator”, the guys try “To Catch a Predator” a local child molester, but he turns out to be the coolest guy they’ve ever met. In the last episode of Season 2 “6 Hours to Hedonism II” the boys set out for a Thanksgiving orgy-fest at Hedonism II only to find out that Blake doesn’t have a passport. What ensues is one of the funniest scenes inside a X-rated theater that you will ever see (repeatedly tap your left arm with your right hand and you will get the idea).

HERE YOU CAN ANSWER THE AGE OLD QUESTION: WOULD YOU …

If you are a child of the 80′s or 90′s, some of the best material is found in the pop-culture references to those wonderful (by wonderful, I obviously mean terrible) decades. In Season 2′s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Roomates” the gang finds themselves in hideout down in a sewer. When assigning characters to each other as Ninja Turtles they quickly peg Anders as the nerdy, party-pooper Donatello “AndersTello”- which leads to a fight which all three of them drown in the sewer.

Do yourself a favor and crack open a beer and watch the funniest show to hit Comedy Central since South Park.

Here are some Workaholics-related links to get you started on your journey:

Wizard Rap

Cheers.

Halpern, who his father affectionately describes as “The Luckiest Asshole in a Sea of Assholes” shares his feelings after his second sitcom “How to Be a Gentleman” was cancelled after two episodes:

“… I landed a job as a mid-level writer on another CBS show, “How to Be a Gentleman”. I was ecstatic, and hopeful that this show would gel and become a hit. Instead, we were pulled off the air after two episodes. It felt as if my wife had turned to me the instant we’d finished having sex and said, “I want to have an abortion.”

Enjoy the read, its both funny and insightful.

If you don’t know about Chardee MacDennis, it’s time to learn how to play. Part skill, part endurance and all heart, Chardee MacDennis will take you to the darkest part of the human soul. Below are the rules for Chardee MacDennis. Play at your own peril, as you might find out something about yourself that you don’t like.

GAME RULES (Courtesty of It’s Always Sunny Wikia)

The game is played with two opposing teams for fifteen minutes (not including stoppage time, which is frequent) where each team must progress through three stages with its own set of rules. The game ends when one team has completed the required number of challenges from each level. Upon achieving victory the winning team gets to smash the game pieces of the losing team.

Pre-Round Etiquette
Classical music should be played while the participants dine and make small conversation, it gives the illusion of respect for one’s opponent. Ask any questions now because asking questions is forbidden while the clock is running, an infraction of the question rule results in being penalized by the team drinking for five seconds. After the reception wine glasses should be smashed and fierce dancing and Maori war dances should occur to intimidate the other team.

Level 1 (Mind): Trivia, Puzzles and Artistry
At this stage only wine is to be served. To advance the team must complete three challenges, taking the card to show proof of victory. Each team picks a card that contains a trivia question, puzzle, or artistic challenge. There are also chance cards taken directly from monopoly, but can be modified. The cards include:

Level 2 (Body): Physical Challenge, Pain and Endurance
At this stage only beer is served. There is no cursing allowed either, in the event of cursing the team has to chug a drink for 5 seconds while the other team counts. The team picks a card which has a physical challenge written on it, completing two challenges will allow the team to advance to the third level.

Level 3 (Spirit): Emotional Battery and Public Humiliation
At this stage only hard liquor is served. The team picks a card which has an emotional battery or public humiliation challenge. No mercy should be shown.

Other Critical Rules:

- Be sure to always have a first aid kit for injury stoppage.
- It is highly suggested that the game board be nailed down
- Cursing is not allowed in level two.
- Asking questions is not allowed while the clock is running.
- If a player spills his drink his team must chug the opposing teams drinks.

So, there you have it. Hope you have a great game of Chardee MacDennis with you buddies. Feel free to throw in any rules that you feel might spice up the game. If you have any good suggestions for new rules, please leave a comment and add them in.

Michael offered to share this advice gathered from his experience in LA and the experiences of friends who work as writers on successful sitcoms currently on the air:

Tip #1: “If you want to break in and get a staff job, people (managers & agents) want to see an original pilot. The bummer is that this sample will have a .00002% chance of ever selling to a network (they almost never buy from an unproven entity) but if your goal is to get a staff gig, it’s become a must have.”

Tip #2: “Don’t pick the best show on tv for your specs because your show won’t be as good as the real [deal].”

I think the interesting part of Michael’s advice is that many of us have always considered the spec script, not an original pilot, as the best way to gain access to the industry. Michael also let us know that one of his industry contacts let him know that networks are buying original material from so-called “nobodys” like you and I.

From first hand experience, I am one of the “nobodys”, but have actually gained some recognition from getting my spec script out in the open. I am currently writing a “Modern Family” spec (which I already started prior to learning of Michael’s Tip #2 above), but I will now consider putting together some original material.

What do you think? Are you a “nobody” who has had any success either way? Please share you advice/story to get the conversation started.

Hey all – below is the pilot script for Modern Family. Please enjoy and check out my “Always Sunny In Philadelphia” spec script while you are at it and pass it along to anyone you may know. Thank you!

Modern Family Pilot

Here is an idea I thought of for a tv show/book/blog called: “Letters from a Man Kidnapped by a Traveling Circus”. If you like it and want to go in on a strange project with me, I would welcome your help. Here would be the first letter:

My Sweet Virginia,

If you are reading this letter, then you probably already know that I was kidnapped by a traveling circus. They snagged me with a net made out of horse hair. I know it was horse hair due to the fine texture of the net. I suspect it was a tiny horse – the hair was quite soft. The first day in captivity the Ringleader woke me up at 3 am in the morning and told me to jump through a flaming ring of fire being held up by a mustached-man in a one-piece leotard. At first I lit myself on fire, but eventually I got the hang of it and now I am a crowd favorite. Although they kidnapped me, the ringleader has taken a liking to me and now pays me $2.18 an hour.

They don’t tell you how hard life on the road as a member of a traveling circus can be. I was beaten and forced to eat a giant log of pony excrement by the bearded lady. I don’t want to worry you dear, she is not very attractive, and I will never have eyes for anyone but you. After I was forced to shower with a industrial strength fire hose, I was told there was going to be a special party for me. But, alas, when I arrived at the tent, I was hit over the head with a chainsaw and when I woke up three hours later, I was dressed in a goat costume.

The food here is quite awful. Yesterday, I had to eat “rat stew”, which wasn’t even made of rats, but instead a mixture of pinecones and sawdust with a hint of cinnamon. Yesterday when I asked the chef, or “Big Arnie” as we call him, for a drink of water, he just spit right in my face and threw a wooden spoon at my balls. I have lost 18lbs. and am now down to a little less than 100lbs – my high school weight. Tonight we have our first live show in front of a crowd of dwarves who live in the mountains. I fear that they might use me for human sacrifice, but I am sure that my fears are unfounded.

Other than that, things are great. I am hopeful for my release any day now. I’ll write again soon.

Love,
Billie

COLD OPEN
TITLE: 1:00 P.M.
TITLE: On a Saturday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

OVER TITLES WE HEAR
CHARLIE (V.O.)
How bout’ if I paint my penis black? You think that will make it look any bigger?
MAC (V.O.)
I think it could add the illusion of a little extra girth.

FADE IN:
EXT. STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA
Mac and Charlie walk towards Paddy’s Pub looking especially disheveled even by their low standards.
CHARLIE
It’s just that my penis isn’t living up to its full potential.
MAC
Dude, that’s because your penis reached it’s full potential at birth. You got to face the fact that you have a baby-dick.
CHARLIE
Oh, c’mon. I don’t have a baby dick.
MAC
We all know you have a micro-dick It’s no big …
Mac and Charlie stop walking as they notice something in the distance.
CHARLIE
What the hell is this?
Mac and Charlie begin to run up to Paddy’s Pub where they see three teenage THUGS spray painting the wall outside the bar.
MAC
Are those kids spray painting our bar?
They run over to the Thugs.
MAC (CONT’D)
Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
THUG 1
What does it look like we’re doing?
CHARLIE
It looks like you are spray painting enormous male genitalia all over our bar.
MAC
(inspects the wall)
Yep, they’re dicks alright.
Thug 2 grabs Mac and pushes him against the wall.
THUG 2
Why don’t you and your raggedy-ass friend mind your business.
Charlie looks up and down the spray painted wall.
CHARLIE
Oh c’mon! A little originality wouldn’t hurt. Can’t you at least draw a rainbow around some of this penis art? It looks ridiculous.
The Thugs crowd around Charlie and menacingly stare at him. Mac grabs Charlie and leads him inside the bar.
MAC
This isn’t over!

INT. PADDY’S PUB – DAY
Dennis, head tilted back, is holding a baggie of ice on a fresh shiner. Dee works behind the bar.
MAC
What the hell happened to you?
DENNIS
They jumped me.
MAC
The penis painters?
Dennis nods his head.
MAC (CONT’D)
I’ve had it with these assholes! It’s the third time this month they vandalized this place.
CHARLIE
Yea, I’m sick and tired of trying to turn those spray painted dicks into happy faces.
DEE
Well I’m sick of having to look at the penis-nosed happy faces every time I walk into this dump.
DENNIS
You know, maybe we should start a gang of our own and show those street tuffs who really runs this block.
MAC
I’ve always wanted to gangbang.
DEE
Me too. I just never imagined my first gangbang would be with two losers and my brother.
MAC
Well, this is our chance to bang, and bang hard.
CHARLIE
Hmmm … our own gang.
MAC
Yes, our own gang.
DENNIS
It’s settled. We’re banging.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
TITLE: IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
TITLE: THE GANG ATTEMPTS TO BANG

Thanks for stopping by, or thanks for randomly typing “Glee Script” into Google. Either way, I hope you stick around for a minute or two. I haven’t haven’t posted in a little while, and, to be completely truthful, I was a victim of a completely random sea otter attack in Boca Raton, Florida. I was the kid shooting the otter attack video you can see right here. I’m kidding, but I think that is great material for a made-for-tv movie — a boy attacked by a rabid otter who then turns into a rabid otter himself: “Revenge of the Otter Man,” a Hallmark movie in the making.

Anyways, the the reason I am posting today is because I came across an interesting topic through an email from Script Magazine titled, “Living in LA, Submitting to Websites and Guest Thoughts” by Chad Gervich. Gervich, a writer/producer/master of all things Hollywood is adamant on his belief that you MUST, MUST (bolded for sheer effect) live in LA if you want to break into the Screen/Television writing profession. As he says in his article:

“The stories we hear of people who sell things via websites, contests, etc., are flukes; they’re not indicative of how Hollywood works… or, most likely, will ever work. And while we all love to hear inspirational stories, it’s not really an advisable way to LAUNCH A CAREER.”

So, the question is, do you agree with Mr. Gervich? Do you think you need to live in LA to have a shot at making it in the industry? Although most “foreigners” to LA would scoff at Mr. Gervich’s suggestion that you must live in LA to have a shot at making it, isn’t that the truth? We fight what we don’t want to hear because it is not easy to swallow. Most of us can’t pack our bags tomorrow with scripts in hand and head out to LA. It is just not a reality, so we fight the notion that it is impossible to break in from the outside. I think we should embrace what Mr. Gervich has to say, because if you twist it around he is actually saying, “bring your talents to LA, and you have a chance.” Unlike trying to make it to the NBA where you MUST be around 6’4″, have a the natural ability to jump like a kangaroo, and somehow beat out millions of other kids who have similar abilities, Mr. Gervich is saying that you, yes you, actually CAN make it if you come to LA. Not that you WILL make it, but you can. To me, that is encouraging.

Although LA is where it’s at, I do think Mr. Gervich is missing the “human” element which you can never keep out of a discussion like this. We enter internet competitions because the one person who DOES make it, going on to the dream career of a professional writer after winning a contest from their couch in Boise, Idaho. And, isn’t that what counts in the end? Just the slim chance that you will be the one? That’s what keeps “us” writing, keeps us pushing to finish the next script, keeps us up late even though there is “real” work early the next morning. Sure, you need to live in LA to have a real shot, but if nothing else, the internet competitions force us to write for the faint hope that you will be the one that hits the jackpot. And, in the end, its the joy of writing itself, not the actual competition, that brings many of us happiness, is it not?

That is why I have this website. The 1 in 1,000,000 shot that someone notices my script and offers me a shot. It might not happen, but that is what keeps me writing every day.

Please share your thoughts!

Mac: Why are you jamming me up, bro?
Gym Manager: I’m not trying to jam you up, I just don’t believe you.
Mac: What is not to believe? I’m absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
Gym Manager: This picture looks nothing like you.
Mac: Well, thank you, cause I’ve actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It’s actually a testament to your gym.

The “tranny” makes an appearance, and I think what makes Mac attraction to the the tranny so funny is that we can all see ourselves wanting to make sweet love to her in real life. The tranny might be the hottest character to grace the show, I really can’t think of anyone better. You can’t argue with this picture:

Some of my favorite bits in the premiere include:
1. Charlie and Frank trying to crack each other’s back. This had me rolling on the floor laughing.
2. Finding out that the boys created a “Lethal Weapon 5″ — let’s hope that sometime this season we come back to this — could be classic.
3. Dennis talking about how he has never had feelings since he’s been 14.
4. Dee gagging. I can’t help but crack up every time she does it.
5. The nuts from the alleyway.

Hope you all enjoyed and would love to hear whether you loved/hated or were indifferent to this episode. If you are interested, here is a a good link to see what Glenn Howerton aka “Dennis” picks as some of his favorite Sunny episodes. I like all of his picks, although “The Gang Hits the Road” was not one of my favorite. I would have to put “Mac and Dennis: Manhunters” in my top 5.